'T' Time: March 2010

How to shower like a woman

•Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
•Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
•Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
•Complain and whine about getting fat.
•Get in shower.
•Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
•Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
•Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
•Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
•Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
•Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
•Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
•Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
•Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
•Turn off shower.
•Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
•Spray mould spots with Tilex.
•Get out of shower.
•Dry with towel the size of small African country.
•Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
•Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
•Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

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How to shower like a man

•Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
•Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo" sound.
•Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
•Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
•Get in shower.
•Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
•Wash armpits.
•Wash privates and the surrounding area.
•Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
•Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
•NOW !!! Wash face.
•Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
•Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
•Pee (in shower).
•Rinse off and get out of shower.
•Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
•Partially dry off.
•Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
•Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
•Leave bathroom light and fan on.
•Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
•Put on yesterday's clothes.