Human Nature

Customer Service Calls to God
By Ryan Garns
Support Rep: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today?
Woman Caller: (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God.
Support Rep: I'm sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there's something I can assist you with?
Woman Caller: M-My father... he's... in a coma.
Support Rep: Okay. May I get your ID number, ma'am?
Woman Caller: What? I don't have...
Support Rep: It's on the back of your bible.
Woman Caller: (The receiver is jostled. Pause) ...56839?
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone?
Woman Caller: Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God... to look out for my father... and... deliver him from--
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. I just activated your father. Try him now.
Father: (In background) Mary? What's going on?
Woman Caller: Oh my God! He's awake!!
Support Rep: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Woman Caller: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Support Rep: You're welcome, ma'am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur--
(Line goes dead.)